A little something

‘Cause I get lost in the immense darkness of deep thoughts, I’d rather think of something less confusing.

Though superficial thoughts do not help much, to occupy my needy brain.

I’d like to sit somewhere in the middle, and never again feel like a helpless creature standing naked in the middle of the universe.

I wish I was emotionally stable to deal with the grandiosity of life.

Creativity cries: Unleash me

Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.

Creativity – like human life itself – begins in darkness.

Don’t think. Thinking is the enemy of creativity. It’s self-conscious, and anything self-conscious is lousy. You can’t try to do things. You simply must do things.

Creativity is inventing, experimenting, growing, taking risks, breaking rules, making mistakes, and having fun

An essential aspect of creativity is not being afraid to fail.

I’m not afraid to fail, I’m not arfaid of making mistakes. I’m past all that. All I want to do is to search search and search what I want, what I could, what I’m here to do.

For more pictures like that, click on image.

Teddy bears

Today (or yesterday) we went to this giant toy store. We go there once a month or so, to spend ridiculous (low) amounts of money and buy useless stuff for fun. I love giant stores. I’m actually happy for as long as I’m in one. I don’t know what is that, that makes me happy, but who cares. All negativity is gone, world is a beautiful place. All is good. So I bought a brush for my hair, one of those big wooden ones that run so smooth between hair (yeah girly stuff I know). Some hair clips, which I don’t know if I’ll ever use, but what the hell. Four notebooks with really cool covers for my upcoming classes. A rabbit’s foot for my keys… I picked the brown one, it seemed so cool and it was so soft, oh god.

Anyway, apart from my excellent buys, I couldn’t help but notice one thing. I have a thing for teddy bears. And what do I mean by that? Well, I like to hug them. Especially those soft ones that the fur feels like silk. The silky-touch yes, so smooth, so soft. I can’t help but hug them. And it feels like I really love them, like I need to take care of them and caress them. If I didn’t know me I would tell me “What? Your mommy didn’t hug you when you were little and you’re hurt?”. But that’s not the case. I definately had a lot of hugs when I was little. Among other things. But maybe it’s now that I miss it. Even though I hug my boyfriend, and my mom still hugs me when she sees me, I don’t know why but I miss it. I miss that carelessness and that innocence you feel while hugging the teddy bear. I feel like a child that has no responsibilities, hence no stress and no misery.

Edit: It’s so weird to me, the hug thing, because I’m not that type of person. I’m not the kindergarten teacher type, sweet and girly.

At least I’m glad that I usually end up answering my own questions. Maybe it’s that innocence that I miss. Love with no worries. Maybe that’s how it would be like for me if I hadn’t drove myself crazy.

2 Sides of Impossibility

The day was short. All days are short.

They give something and then leave you hanging.

Wanting desperately. Craving.

But there is no black if there’s no white.

The day was long. All days are long.

Filling you up with more than you can handle.

And the end of one first tastes like relief,

until it leaves only a numbness in your mouth.

My wild black horse

My wild black horse is my best friend. He only talks to me, but usually he doesn’t talk at all. He rather make his horse sounds.
We ride together through the world of animals and humans. We understand each others practical concearns.
We coexist without pain or fear or compromises. We coexist so peacefully and quietly and great.
We have the same opinions about society’s matters, and we do not like people much because we’re wild and brave.
If I had a world of my own, he could live in it, maybe. If he had a world of his own, I definetely would jump in it.
See my world is rich but painful. But his is simple and happy. Includes no self-torturing and no extra negative emotions.
I like the horse world. I wish I lived there. But my horse, won’t understand.
Why I deperately want to leave my world, and be an animal instead.
It’s cause he’s wild and does not listen to what I usually say
and if sometime I read a poem to him, he doesn’t care.
So instead of poems, I wish for horse sounds, communication direct.
Instead of fighting with my brain, I wish I ate some hay.

Rainy days

The first rains of the fall. I’ve been waiting for them. They’re gentle and they wash away the left over heat of the summer. Most of all I love the smell. After 3 dry months I missed it. I have my window open, since the rain is light, and I can hear my neighbour arguing over the phone with his mother I guess. The worst part is that he has such an annoying voice. And he’s shouting, making it worse. And oh my god, he’s so whinny. It’s so funny. If he doesn’t hang up soon and get in his freaking house, I’m gonna throw a shoe.

I’m having some difficulties with almost everything. I feel disorganised and I’m afraid of disorder. And maybe I’m a little touchy! …And easy to piss off. And most of all bored. Wow, all those things together huh? If I hadn’t my fake world of tv series, music, entertainment etc to keep me busy, I don’t know what I would do. Real world is not enough for me. Real world is shit. Most of the time. I wish I had the ..courage to make my real world entertaining. But don’t worry I’m getting there. Here’s something for you (my one or two readers ;p).

I wanted love, I needed love,
Most of all, most of all
Someone said true love was dead
And I’m bound to fall, bound to fall
For you
But what can I do?

Take my badge but my heart remains
Lovin’ you, baby child
Tighten up on your reigns
You’re runnin’ wild, runnin’ wild
It’s true

Sick for days in so many ways
I’m achin’ now, I’m achin’ now
It’s times like these I need relief
Please show me how, show me how
To get right

When I was young and moving fast
Nothing slowed me down, slowed me down
Now I let the others pass
I’ve come around, come around

Living just to keep going
Going just to stay sane
All the while never knowing
It’s such a shame

I don’t need to get steady
I know just how I feel
I’m telling you to get ready
My dear

The village

There was a village somewhere near the sea. Its habitants were young women that lived in small cute houses. One day a reporter went to that village and started asking the women questions. One of them told him she wanted to be a doctor, but the village wouldn’t let her. Another one told him she wanted to travel around the world, but the village wouldn’t let her. And the last one told him she wanted to sing to the angels, but the village wouldn’t let her. The reporter felt sorry for them, because they had so many dreams, but they would never come true. So he decided to find the village’s spirit and beg for the women’s freedom. Once he did that, the spirit laughed and said “I’m not holding anyone captive. I’m just an excuse”. And the reporter left confused. So he went back to the last woman he met, and told her what the spirit had told him. And the woman nodded and said “that’s right. –But I’m not leaving here, because wherever I go, angels don’t exist. So I can’t sing to them.”

Sometimes we want to do things. We want to be things. Well sometimes  those things cannot be done. And sometimes we’ve got to put the blame on the village. : )

I made an origami crane

And I felt like I acomplished something.

Chapter One: The Rage

Lately I’ve been feeling weird. First of all, I can’t concentrate. It’s getting very hard for me to study and that’s an unusual thing. Yesterday I was angry… at something. Something unknown. But it wasn’t my usual anger, you know, that kind of anger that comes with irritation or the need to cry. It was like.. pure rage. Death metal rage. And then I put some proper music on, until I was ok again.

Chapter Two: The Crane

In all that emotional mess and the overthinking, I made an origami crane. I youtubed it. It wasn’t hard to make, you just have to fold and fold and unfold and refold the paper many times. I enjoyed it a lot. With all that concentration missing, for a few minutes I felt whole, like everything was back in place.

Chapter Three: The Fantasy

What could possibly derail you more and steal your concentration, if not young love-fairytale-dream-fantasy. All of a sudden you feel like being a rockstar. Or whatever. Imaginary worlds, parallel universes, what ifs. I want to escape from this world so badly, I don’t know why. The best part about my life is my every-day trip to some random imaginary world, where I am a pirate, or Michael Scofield, or you name it. I don’t know what’s the deal with this, it is so silly. Some parts of me are so childish I can’t even believe it. A child dreaming of magic fairies.

September

Summer is officially over. And that reminds me of a wall poster we had on kindergarten. A circle with the four seasons. I remember it clearly. I loved it. It was a picture with meaning I guess, not some random drawing. It was a map. A map of time and not space. Anyway, it was fascinating. Laugh all you want.

Autumn is a great season. It suits me. I mean, I like all four of them, but with autumn I feel like I’m home. Maybe cause I was born in the middle of it, don’t know. Though, I am grateful that seasons change and everything comes and goes, because I like change. I just don’t like September.  I don’t exactly know what’s wrong with September, but something obviously is.

Oh, I made this ^.^

Two years ago, I was taken over by the September evil spirit or something. I was very close to phycosis. It was one hell of a month.  But then a man riding a horse came and saved me, but that’s another story. Today my 22nd September begins. Let’s all hope that the evil spirits will leave me alone

Read my mind

What’s going on inside my mind during random activities. Spontaneous thoughts of a not-so-normal-functioning brain.

I spend most of the time planning things. I don’t mean long term planning, or planning vacation or parties. I plan the NOW, and some minutes after that. I have to think through every unimportant decision and find the best solution. Like where to sit on the bus. There is a whole analysis going on in my brain. If the sun is too hot, I don’t wanna sit where the sun hits. So I’m taking under consideration what time of the day is, and what’s the angle of the sun, or I just observe the shadows outside. Now that I know where the sun is, I must remember the route of the bus and its changing position related to the angle of the sun. I choose the side of the bus that will be fewer times opposite to the sun. And I don’t sit by the window. All this takes about 3 seconds. And it is a whole different story if the environment is different. On a rainy day I’ll consider what’s the best seat for me, doing a different analysis. I plan a lot. That’s purely left hemisphere.  (P.S: Of course it’s not 24/7, of course my analytical skills are flawed.)

I like to put things in order and study them. I like to make logical assumptions, I like patterns. I like to make complicated things simple. I like being able to explain how things work. And that’s what I do. That’s where my mind’s at.

Another thing I do is observing. People, streets, places. I don’t think analysis is involved here. I just like observing. Maybe I do this to stimulate my brain, to get things started. It’s funny how fast we jump from one thought to another. Your stimuli might be a pair of high heels this lady was walking on and it takes only one second to contemplate your childhood. I often notice those jumps. The path of thought. But it’s really hard to keep track. Your neurons are dancing with the speed of light.

A pretty good way to give you a picture of my thoughts, would be to tell you what I never think about, or what I rarely think about. I never think about past conversations or try to recall what someone told me, and she told me this and he told me that and shit. That way of thinking, gossip and stuff, is completely out of the picture. I find no interest there. Looking at a toilet is way much better. Interpersonal relationships are easy to figure out, or easy to not care about, so I don’t spend time thinking about those. I might although spend a little time thinking about a person that is not an open book, and has something odd or mysterious. This is pleasant. At least you get to figure out something. Also, I don’t spend a lot of brain power thinking about a friend’s feelings or lifestyle or whatever. It’s not like I ignore them, I get the message, but I don’t feel the need to second-think. Now moving on. I don’t really think about the future. Sometimes I do, but on a specific matter, and not my life as a whole. When it comes to the future I mostly think about objects, I avoid persons or situations. Well, not intentionally, it’s how my mind works. I never think about politics, not interested in news.

Looks like my left hemisphere is overpowering my right, right? Since left: Logical/Sequential/Rational/Analytical/Objective/Looks at parts. And right: Random/Intuitive/Holistic/Synthesizing/Subjective/Looks at wholes. But don’t rush. My right gets really creative.

There is not a day I don’t think of death, funerals, graves. Monsters, sickness, pain. Sometimes I’m consumed by abstract emotions, making abstract thoughts. Something you can’t express. Something only a poem or a painting or a song could contain in 4 dimensions. I can be absolutely happy by looking at a scenery. I could cry. I think of earth as my mother that allowed me to exist. And I can be absolutely sad realising that the actual persons that gave you life are just persons, and hurt you while they didn’t mean to. Forgiveness is easy, if you’re used to forgive. If you look at the whole. Which I tend to do a lot. I’ve seen my mere existence through the eye of that old man in the clouds. I know what I am in relation to the cosmos. I know what’s the meaning. My right side gets really deep. In brilliant places, in scary places. Creates and destroys. Enlightens and hurts. And many more.

Chaos. It makes me feel awkward. On the one hand I want it all in order, analysed and understood. I hate chaos. On the other hand emotions sometimes are chaotic, the darkness inside me is chaotic. I embrace chaos. I just have to accept it. It’s everywhere. And it’s very hard to recognise a pattern there.

So that’s about it. You’ll catch me thinking about chaos, speculating, philosophising. Another time you’ll catch me wondering  how fast the blood flows. Or how it would feel getting stabbed. Or describing people with colors. Or calculating ratios. This is me, this is how I’m made. And even though some times thinking about my funeral can be a pain in the ass, I would say that overall I’m having a good time. I keep myself entertained.